The Morning After

A long time ago there was a film called “The Day After”. It was a television film, endlessly hyped, set to show the aftermath of a full scale nuclear war.

Kind of feels like that now.

Jana and Saxsy have been guildless for about ten hours now. The fallout continues to rain from that, and will continue for some time, undoubtedly.

Does a part of me think I made a huge mistake yesterday? Sure. Even if I weren’t one to doubt myself I think I would doubt a decision like this one, made in the manner in which I made it. On one hand it was the culmination of perhaps a month’s worth of frustration, but on the other hand the actual decision was made quickly, without talking to anyone.

Do I wish I could have handled it better? Definitely. I don’t think there was any way I could have left with style, grace or dignity, and I think right now that how it happened was likely the best way possible. In bridge, more advanced instructors make a distinction between the best result possible (one that takes into account that you and your partner may not be the best players in the world) and the best possible result (the ideal result with best play). This was almost certainly not the best possible method for leaving a guild.  But I think it might have been the best method possible.

Do I wish things could go back in time? Absolutely. Go back a couple months. I think I was happy then. I was in a guild with my best friends, starting to raid again, looking forward to new content, feeling like I was a positive influence on everyone in the guild. I thought people liked me, and I thought people respected me. I no longer think these things. I don’t know whether it’s because things changed during those two months or I simply became more aware of how people actually felt. Probably a bit of both.

I’ve done what I can to try best to move on. Gone from my bookmarks are links to the guild forum and the guild World of Logs report. Gone are my vent links (I’m hoping that my channel within the vent will be deleted quickly). I went through the guild forums and deleted my posts and pictures; hopefully by now my account will have been deleted, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I’ve deleted drawings of guild members from my deviantART account (save for Ani, who I think is going to get kicked from the guild anyway). I’ve deleted a couple RealID friends, and a bunch of people on my friends list. Like a good fire mage, I’ve been burning bridges.

I spoke with Ani a bit last night. I think and I hope she understands why I did what I did. We’ve shared a lot of feelings and frustrations about the guild. More importantly, I’ve shared my own feelings and my own frustrations about things in general. She’s a good friend.

I haven’t spoken with Synelyse yet. I hope to do that today. I have absolutely no idea what will happen with that. I have no expectations. I am told that she was hurt by my decision, something I believe is undoubtedly true. I may be understating that. She was very angry with me before I left. I hope I can convince her that my leaving was the best thing for both of us. Beyond that, I’m not sure what I hope for.

I’m really not sure where things go from here. I have a feeling Jana and Saxsy will remain guildless for some time. I think it will be a while before I feel ready to join another guild.